Well fear not, my fellow incompetent bachelor. Listed below are some easy, delicious and cheap meals that anybody can shit out in only a few minutes. Read below and discover how easy it is to prepare restaurant quality meals in quarter of an hour for less than $10. Impress your lady friends with your new culinary skills as you absorb the masterful, genius cooking skills of a single guy.
Spag & Mash
1 tin of canned spaghetti
1 sachet of instant mashed potato
You’ll notice we’re not fucking about with actual mashed potato. Why bother when you can get perfectly decent instant powdered stuff instead? Awesome shortcut number one, right there. You ain’t got the time to sit there and peel, wash and mash potatoes. That shit’s for women and prisoners of war. Heat the kettle, add it to the powder, stir. Hey fucking presto, you’ve got yourselves some taters. You could probably make vodka from that shit, tastes the same, fuck the taters haters, go instant, I say. I mean, everyone drinks instant coffee, right? They don’t peel the beans and roast them and then grind ‘em up to make a coffee, and if they do, fuck ‘em, they must be wankers.
Anyway, to cook Spag & Mash, get a pot and slap your tinned spaghetti in. Turn the stove up to the highest setting and pop your pot on it. Stir occasionally with fork. While that’s doing, flick the kettle on. Pour your mash taters powder into a bowl and add the boiling water. Stir that shit right up. Once you’ve done that, add in some cheese. Everything tastes better with cheese. Then, pour your spaghetti, that you’ve probably forgotten about and let burn to the bottom of the pot, onto your cheesy mashed potatoes. Add bacon to taste.
Medium crisp white cask wine
Serves 1 fat fucker, or 1.5 skinny dudes.
Baked Bean Pizza
1x pizza base
1x can of baked beans
Don’t fuck about trying to make your own pizza base. You’ll just screw it up and make a shitload of mess. It ain’t worth it. Just go into the bread section of the supermarket and buy a pre-made one, you know-it-all, try-hard wanker.
If you like, and you’ve got more money than the queen, you can get that fancy-schmancy ‘pizza’ cheese that’s half cheddar, half mozzarella. If not, toss a coin and choose one.
Set your oven to ‘On’. Make sure you don’t accidentally set it to grill, that shit fucks me up all the time. Lay base on chopping board. Or the kitchen counter. Fuck, do it on your bed for all I care, you’re the boss here. Empty contents of baked bean can onto pizza base, scraping any excess into the sink for your roommates/parents to clean up. Distribute cheese on top. Leave in oven until it starts to look like a pizza. Probably safe to move your telly into the kitchen with you so you can keep checking it.
When it’s done, cut it into quarters. If you slice it into smaller segments, the beans go everywhere, trust me. In quarters, you can kinda fold it up so the scolding hot beans drip into your mouth and after the first few, your tongue burns beyond feeling so it’s all good. Add bacon to taste.
A $4 cleanskin shiraz that’s on sale next to the counter.
One guy, unless his girlfriend’s there and says she’s not hungry when he asks her but then suddenly changes her fucking mind when she sees his pizza.
Easy-Mac with Tomato Ketchup
1 sachet of Easy-Mac
Easy-Mac tastes like arse, but it takes so little time to make and it’s slightly more substantial than instant noodles. You can get other flavours of Easy-Mac but then, you can probably get other flavours of arse so it’s no good. One tried and tested method for improving the taste of Easy-Mac is to overpower it with tomato ketchup, which is delicious.
Prepare your Easy-Mac in the usual fashion by mixing all the contents into a bowl and chucking it in the microwave for however long it takes. I think it’s two minutes, I can’t remember, okay? Who am I, fucking Rainman? It’s written on the box dude, open your fucking eyes. Once it’s done, remove the bowl from the microwave. Don’t bother cleaning up the mess it’s inevitably made, because you’ll be cooking it again for breakfast tomorrow morning so it’s hardly worth it. Add ketchup, taste-testing every now and then to make sure the taste of the Easy-Mac has been completely eradicated. Add bacon to taste.
That dirty bottle of three year old ‘chocolate beer’ I still have in my pantry.
One guy and a dog (once the guy has vomited it back up again).
Chicken Satay Stir-Fry
Some peanut butter
Some vegetables (if you’re a total fag)
Okay, so get the adult to fuck off and make the rice for you. That job is confusing and hard, so don’t even try getting that shit together. You’ll fuck it up, for sure.
Get a frying pan, chuck the chicken in and put it on the stovetop. That shit’s gonna get hot, so keep stirring it around with some tongs, or your fingers if you’re a tradie, until it’s all cooked and stuff. Maybe get the adult to check whether or not it’s cooked, but you get them straight back on that rice as soon as you’re done because rice loves fucking up and making a mess of things. Rice is a bi-atch, like that. Anyway, when the chickens cooked, add your peanut butter. It may help to add some water or something, just to make it all saucey. Check the internet to be sure. If you’re gay enough to want vegetables, add ‘em in now. Add bacon to taste.
Let it all cook for about five minutes and then serve it on top of the rice.
The bottle of white wine, made up from three third-filled bottles of white wine that you found in the fridge.
You and the adult and the person that the adult gives their’s to after they’ve tasted it.
Bachos (Bachelor Nachos)
1x Bag of Doritos
1x Can of baked beans
Simple shit, right here. Set your oven to, like, 180 degrees or whatever. Who gives a shit, so long as it’s hotter than the room you’re in, it’s fine. Pour the Doritos into a bowl, making sure that the bowl can go in the oven. To be safe, try calling somebody who’s made a meal before, describe the bowl to them and ask if it can be put in the oven. If they say yes, then it’s party time, if they say no, then just make a bowl out of aluminium foil and a bike helmet. Pour the baked beans over the Doritos and then add the cheese (preferably shredded). Stick that shit bang in the oven for however long it takes for the cheese to melt. The cheese is the important part because let’s face it, you’re only going to eat the nachos that have cheese on them anyway, so fuck the rest of it. When it’s done, take it out and serve with sour cream, or if you have none, the old milk that you almost certainly do. Don't add bacon.
Nah, just kidding. Seriously, add soooo much bacon.
An unjustifiably expensive ‘foreign’ beer that was made under licence in a factory less than one hour away from where you live.
You and the girlfriend you clearly want to lose.