It is with great regret that we must advise you of your impending redundancy. Despite recurrent disciplinary discussions, it seems that neither your work ethic or indeed your work load has increased in anyway and there remains no other choice than to grant you severance and process your immediate dismissal.
The English Alphabet has always maintained a history of dedication and commitment, however in recent decades you have not lived up to this reputation. You rarely turn up to work and on the occasions that you do, only lazily under the escort of U, which as mentioned in a number of your disciplinary meetings, is unacceptable.
Whilst you maintain that your employment is justified by a higher scoring rate in Scrabble, we believe that this is only further indication of your unjustifiably minute workload. Additionally, client reporting regarding this matter clearly signifies that consumers find you to be more a burden than value and have, in verbatim reporting declared ‘I’m sick and fucking tired of getting them all the time!’.
In order to receive your full severance, you will be expected to carry out a two-day handover with K and W, who will collectively take ownership of the minimal work that you and U are currently tasked with. We anticipate your cooperation in this matter and would be happy to recommend your services to any of our smaller departments, such as The Russian Alphabet or the Greek Alphabet, in which your skill set may be better suited.
The English Alphabet also wishes for you to note, as further confirmation of this decision, that Q was the only letter not properly used in this communication.
The English Alphabet