In an effort to repair the tattered public images of both AFL and NRL football codes, top officials have today agreed to introduce a controversial player-neutering program in order to stamp out deviant sexual behaviour off the pitch.
|North Queensland playmaker Johnathan Thurston is likely|
to be the first NRL player to have his balls removed for the
sake of the game and Australian gene pool.
Australian Football League CEO, Andrew Demetriou and National Rugby League CEO, David Gallop sat side by side earlier today as they addressed an assembly of press figures and outlined a bold new strategy that has the nation divided in opinion. After years of continuing public-relations nightmares involving the sexual misconduct of dozens of high-profile sporting celebrities, the two CEOs announced that they no longer had an option, and that all athletes wishing to register in either of Australia’s two most popular football codes would need to complete rigourous testing to ensure that they were not liable to commit acts of illegal infidelity that could potentially taint the reputation of either the NRL or the AFL. The program states that as of 2012, if a player’s testing indicates that they could potentially find themselves in a position in which sexual deviancy is possible, they will be immediately required to surrender themselves for neutering.
‘It is a big move,’ said Demetriou, ‘But one that we have to make. We’ve tried fining the players, suspending them from play and even banning them altogether from professional football but it just doesn’t seem to work. We’re gonna have to cut their balls off’. Gallop, taking his counterpart’s hand in his, echoed the words. ‘We’ve thought long and hard about this and although we wish there was some other way, the sexual tenacity of some players is simply uncontrollable,’ the NRL CEO said, winking suggestively at Demetriou.
|Jason Akermanis desperately clings to a ball|
while he's still able to.
Many have argued whether these media incidences are a matter of cause or effect, questioning whether athletes with filthy, perverse sexual natures are drawn toward these codes, or if it is in fact the tribal mentality of playing in high-contact team sports that turns them into wretched, piratical, rape-happy criminals.
Feminist activist, Sheila Jeffrey’s is strongly in favour of the program, suggesting that if successful, such testing should be compulsory for all men as they reach adulthood. ‘It’s about time somebody took action,’ Jeffrey’s went on record as saying. Many disagree, however, saying that too much blame is being place on the players.
The move comes after the presentation of a research paper that ruled out the alternative concept of instead discouraging stupid, attention-seeking young women from turning into shit-stirring little media-whores, hell-bent on claiming their fifteen minutes of fame regardless of the career-ending effects it may have on their victims. Whilst Demetriou agreed that around 90% of all reported sexual misconduct claims against the leagues players were the result of ‘maladjusted, white-trash, bitches willing to say anything to get on 60 Minutes’, the report showed it to be significantly more cost-effective to concentrate efforts onto the players themselves.
Gallop and Demetriou whispered seductively to one another, that the program is set to take affect as of the start of the 2012 football seasons to coincide with their ‘summer getaway’.
|Soccer players are exempt for obvious reasons.|
Football Federation Australia has announced that they will not be inflicting the same testing on the nation’s soccer players, saying it’s pointless because ‘they haven’t got any to begin with’.