A unique discovery was made yesterday when a team of Australian archaeologists working out of Sydney University discovered a television show that appeared to have nothing to do with law enforcement or ‘scene of the crime’ investigation.
SU’s Department of Archaeology officially released images of their findings to an audience of press members, key experts and notable local figures on the afternoon of the 19th and confirmed the authenticity of this long-lost chapter of human history. The show was extracted from the Team’s Peruvian dig-site and Professor John Greenwich claims the specimen undeniably proves that the ancient Incans were capable of producing episodic, theatrical television programming that did not rely on exaggerated and over-dramatised police stereotypes.
|Greenwich's Peruvian dig site. The original objective was to locate |
the ancient mythical remains of Britney Spears' dignity.
‘Nobody’s ever come across something quite like this,’ Professor Greenwich excitedly declared at yesterday’s press conference, “It’s a truly ancient art form that, along with practices like alchemy, embalming and druidism has long since disappeared from modern human culture.’
The Team has so far uncovered three full hour-long episodes from their site, each one dating back to the mid 14th century, and preliminary attempts at translation verify that the television show, named ‘Qariyna Ayllu’ or ‘The Man Club’ in English, is set in a public bar. Several experts from various Universities, including Professor Ryan Hoffman from the University of Calgary, have declared their astonishment at the apparent lack of forensic investigation elements as well as traditional archetypes such as ‘tough cop with a heart of gold’, ‘nerdy lab-girl’ and ‘misunderstood, humble black detective’.
|Initial examinations indicate the characters don't even|
wear sunglasses and talk one sentence at a time.
‘It’s fucking weird,’ said Hoffman, who was not in attendance at Sydney University’s historic unveiling. ‘I mean, what do the characters do? How has a race that’s been extinct for almost five-hundred years manage to conceive beyond the modern formula for dramatic television? For generations, humans have believed it impossible to resolve an episode of a fictional entertainment series without suddenly introducing a new character in the last five minutes and arbitrarily pinning the crime on him.’
Hoffman told the conference that up until this discovery, experts have observed no evidence to suggest that any human civilisation ever had the capabilities or technology to produce anything other than ‘tedious, fucking cop shows with handsome douche-bag main characters and female leads that are way too fucking hot to be smart’. Some sources have been quoted as saying, the revelation that an ancient race was able to create a reliable sequence of plots that didn’t follow the traditional ‘Murder – Investigation - Plot Twist - Rushed, Poorly Contrived Confession’ model is the archaeological discovery of the decade.
|Experts across the globe have uniformly reacted by saying 'The Fuck'?|
However the findings are not without their critics. Famed Hollywood producer and director, Jerry Bruckheimer, is not so convinced by Greenwich’s Team’s unearthing. ‘It’s simply impossible to conceive the marketability of any TV show that doesn’t satisfy the consumers need for two-dimensional, prosaic acting and storylines that could have been written by blind, fingerless baby chimps,’ Bruckheimer retaliated in a letter to the New York Times. ‘What people need to remember is that an ancient culture such as the Inca only had the most primitive tools available to them and if we as a modern, sophisticated civilisation can only fill up primetime programming slots with mindless, uninventive, copy-and-pasted drivel, then dead civilisations certainly couldn’t do any better’.
Professor Greenwich and his still team remain optimistic. Vice-Chancellor of the University of Sydney, Dr Michael Spence, declared his intentions to continue funding of the Peruvian dig site in the hope that further proof of non-cop-based television could be uncovered. ‘If it means that we as a race may not have to go to sleep every night with Mark Harmon’s stupid, smug face in our heads, then it is the least that we, as a paragon of modern education, can do for future generations’.