To Whom It May Concern,
Please find attached the synopsis and first chapter of my [word-count] word [genre], [Insert Title Here]. I must advise you with deep regret that despite current trends, this book does not in any way involve vampires. There’s clearly very little room remaining in the industry for any real literature and recent excursions to the bookstore have confirmed for me the total dominance of crime stories, vampire stories and inevitably, stories involving crime that is solved by gorgeous, misunderstood vampire detectives. Even with this knowledge, I have foolishly authored a contemporary, modern story about things that do not include sucking the blood of innocent virgins and although I’m sure you’ll be forced to reluctantly discard the typescript when you discover that the first line does not read, ‘The full moon loomed menacingly as sexy Count Carlos the super-vampire climbed from his casket’, I beg of you to hear me out.
[Write plot details here.]
As I’ve already disclosed, this novel sadly contains no mention of vampires and I fully appreciate any time you can offer despite this unforgivable imperfection. Whilst this flaw may render the content completely unusable, please do consider it, comforted by my reassurance that I can quite happily add the words, ‘and then he turned into a bat and flew back home’ onto the end of each chapter. I could even rewrite the entire last section of the story and have the female love-interest suffer a fatal accident, to which the only possible cure is being transformed into a vampire by the male protagonist. I’ve never read Twilight or any such book, but I imagine it's how all that horse-shit ends.
[Your stupid name]