Acquire cat. This is easier said than done. Cats are rather elusive things and you’re going to have to study the patterns and routines of the cat you’re after before you can make your move. Find out where the cat sleeps, where it goes jogging, what it does for a living. Cats spend most of their time outside during the day, so they must have jobs. I think our cat is a lawyer.
Once you’re completely in synch with your cat's day to day life, you can then plot to kidnap it. This is best done with a net. Cats have concealed weapons like Hugh Jackman in Wolverine. They also have teeth and in some cases rabies like Hugh Jackman
Run a bath. Unless you have a swimming pool. A sink won’t do, trust me. Not unless you have chloroform and even then, I’m not sure if that stuff works on cats. I’ve never tried to date one, so the situation’s never arisen. Run a bath, use lots of bubbles and tell them it’s a cloud or a comfy blanket or something.
Make sure the cat isn’t aware of the bath running. They’re crafty and they can tell when you’re up to something. Perhaps enlist another family member to distract the cat by taking it to dinner, or by asking the cat a series of tricky brain-teasing lateral thinking puzzles whilst the bath fills.
Wear protection. As you may know, cats are sent from the Underworld to harm humans, be it through allergies, their Wolverine claws or their constant destruction, scratching or tactical and deliberate depreciation of the world around them. It’s important to be armoured when handling cats at the best of times, let alone when you’re about to dip them into a large body of water. In times of panic, the cat’s primary instinct is to kill the closest living thing as effectively as possible and then evaluate the circumstances.
Gauntlets are a must. As well as gloves. And preferably chain mail. And pepper spray, and a taser if available. And also a riot-shield. And some liver treats. Liver treats have been known to resolve numerous conflicts, most famously the recent violence in Libya where they were distributed amongst Gadaffi’s men to almost noticeable effect. Special care must be taken to protect that soft area in between your thumb and index finger, because cats are very aware of how much it hurts when they bite us there.
Pick up cat and place in water. Good luck with this. It may be a safe idea to call any family members that you haven’t seen in a while and let them know that you love them before attempting this step.
The cat won’t want to be in the water. Cats take movies very literally and they’ve all seen The Wizard of Oz and Signs, so they greatly fear water. The cat will take your move to introduce it to water as a sign that you are attempting to assassinate it, and it will understandably respond by doing the same to you. Do not be offended by the cat’s actions, it is nothing personal.
The preferred method for what the industry calls ‘Moggy-dunking’ is to hold your cat under its forelimbs, facing away from you. The cat will attempt to scratch the living fuck out of your hands with it’s bunny-feet, but hopefully the padded leather gauntlets you picked up at that Lord of the Rings Fan-Vention will offer sufficient protection.
Shampoo. You can get cat shampoo at all good pet stores, and even some of the dodgy ones. Shampooing the cat is a two man job as one of you needs to hold the cat in a full-Nelson, whilst the other applies the product to the cat’s coat. As in a knife-fight, your best chance of success is to assume from the get-go that you are going to get stabbed at some point. Once you’ve come to terms with this inevitability, it should stabilise your focus and objective.
Once the cat looks silly enough, it’s time to rinse. This should be done at distance with a hose, preferably high pressured because the cat is gonna be pretty fucking pissed off by this point. It’s gonna be looking at you with that cat expression that means ‘When you’re asleep, I’m going to lick out your eyes with my sandpaper tongue’.
Dry cat. Drying a cat with a towel serves a dual purpose. Naturally, the towel will absorb much of the moisture, thus drying the cat. Secondly, wrapping the cat up into an Egyptian-cotton sushi-roll will subdue its limbs, thus protecting you from its claws and inhibiting the cat’s famed ability to throw ninja stars at your head.
Do not use a hair-dryer, unless you’re a suicidal fucking idiot. The noise will scare the absolute hell out of the cat and, as previously suggested, it will probably think the dryer is a poorly conceived laser pistol that it saw in some low-budget 1980’s science fiction movie.
Leave town for a couple of weeks. The cat will be enraged unlike that of any other creature known to have lived on the planet. It’s best for you to not be in their presence whilst they vent their venomous hate out onto the world around them. Some suggest that you should leave a drum kit and punching bag out so that the cat can properly release its pent-up anger in a constructive, responsible manner.
A scratching post is recommended, but it will undoubtedly be the one thing the cat will not scratch because cats are, as we all know, very much conscious of the fiscal value of their owner’s earthly goods. They also seem to know that they will never be held financially responsible for anything they do.
Luckily, cats are not known to have great memories. If you leave it alone for two weeks, the cat will have all but forgotten of the trauma of the bath and may even be quite happy to see you. And after two weeks, it will be about time to wash the cat again.