After living in Australia for twelve years, I’ve finally decided that I’m not going anywhere and it’s time to become a Citizen. To celebrate this decision, I’m cracking open a Smirnoff Double-black with Guarana.
However, becoming an Aussie Citizen isn’t as simple as filling out an expensive form and cracking a bottle of champagne over an Aboriginal’s head without saying sorry, oh no. The Australian people are as concerned about their cultural identity as they are about seeking revenge for Steve Irwin by eating lots of seafood, so you can’t just walk in, cut the sleeves off your shirt and demand water be added to your beer to make it taste like piss. You have to take a test.
That’s right, because the hordes of illegal immigrants and Islamic terrorists have no greater Achilles heel than questions like ‘What sport did Don Bradman excel at?’ and ‘Is there actually any difference between a Kangaroo and a Wallaby, or are we just making that up to fool tourists?’ Nothing will keep the tides of terror at bay like a quick round of Trivial Pursuit, using the yellow cards with the ‘What noise does the cow make?’ level of difficulty.
But hell, I love trivia so I’m all in. My main concern is that maybe the questions are a little too easy. There are test tests you can do and the questions have a lot to do with free speech, and freedom of religion and freedom themes in general. And hell, I’ve seen Current Affair enough times to know that some Australians would have a pretty hard time defining free speech. God knows Tracey Grimshaw is the most backward, evil-inclined sociopath outside of Satan’s bedroom (but not all the time I’m guessing).
But I think the citizenship test should be identifiably Australian, which is why I’ve made my own. The test questions lacked an Australian feel to them, because when it comes down to it, most Australians don’t care who you are and where you’re from. So long as you’re ‘alright for a cunt’ and are willing to buy a round, you’re in.
See how you do.
The New Improved Australian Citizenship Test
- What is Australia’s national sport?
- Rugby Union
- Two-man sack-racing
- Whatever we happen to be doing well in at the time.
- What is on Australia’s coat of arms?
- A spelling mistake
- Steve Irwin anally violating a goat
- An Unicorn and a Narwhal
- What is a Wombat?
- A racquet with which to playfully spank a Wom
- A female bat
- A member of one of the most irritating Indie bands of all time
- A completely useless animal that has inexplicably defied extinction.
- What is Australia’s national anthem?
- Land Down Under – Men at Work
- Working Class Man – Jimmy Barnes
- Smack My Bitch Up – Prodigy
- Something about a carnival or something.
- Who will be first against the wall come the revolution?
- The Queen
- David Koch from Channel Seven’s ‘Sunrise’?
- A media mogul
- Who ever is in charge of the country at the time, regardless of their performance as Prime Minister.
- Whose fault is everything?
- NRL referees
- The Government
- Big corporations
- All of the above.
- When is Russel Crowe Australian?
- When he’s throwing phones at people
- When he’s in poor movies that we nevertheless support him throughout
- When he’s at South Sydney games
- When he’s won an Oscar without striking anyone.
- What are indigenous Australians called?
- Chico Babies
- Terrible painters.
- Why don’t you like Vegemite?
- Because I’m a no-good terrorist scumbag
- It tastes too yeasty
- It’s like Nutella gone wrong
- What are you talking about? I fucking love Vegemite.
- What is Tasmania good for?
- Absolutely nothing
- Missile testing
- Beach-landing practise for when we invade New Zealand.
If you answered mostly D’s, you are fit to become an Australian Citizen. Welcome to the country. Here’s your dry, tasteless, coconut sponge cake, a tree that will grow up to be ugly, and a two-by-four to bash Lebanese people with.
If the majority of your answers were not D’s, then unfortunately you’re not eligible for citizenship. Unless you’re good at a sport.