Medical staff at a Californian psychiatric facility confirmed yesterday that nothing can be done to cure award-winning entertainer, Pink’s disillusions that she is a rock’n’roll star.
Staff at Sacramento’s Bridge to Wellness Center finally surrendered to the insurmountable task of re-adjusting the singer-songwriter’s fading mental condition and admitted that there were no further procedures that could be carried out to convince Pink of how fucking awful her music actually is. At a press conference yesterday, many of the team that had worked closely with the entertainer appeared visibly dismayed by the conclusion and realisation that she would continue referring to herself as a rock star, despite only ever releasing tacky pop shit over and over again.
‘We did every thing we could,’ said an exhausted Dr Timothy Reinheldt. ‘We tried shock treatment, aversion therapy, hypnosis, but none of it worked. [Pink] simply can’t conceive that she’s about as rock and roll as diaper commercial’. Dr Reinheldt has been long associated with the mental rehabilitation of various big-name stars and his successes are many, including Ricky Martin’s public coming out and Ben Elton’s admission that everybody hates him. It was with genuine sadness that Reinheldt conceded defeat in this case.
|The troubled star mistakes lesbianism for rock status.|
Many experts had said from the start that any attempt to cure Pink’s mental instability was a complete waste of time. Close friends of the singer had often disclosed that her apparent belief that her discography was a series of rock masterpieces, which would transcend time was not simply a product of poor lyricism. ‘She actually thinks she’s a rock star, in a different league to the Shakiras and Brittanys and S-Club 7s’, reported Pink’s father, Jim Moore. ‘I was in ‘Nam. I know what real rock ‘n’ roll is and even though she’s my daughter, man, I just wanna smack the shit out of her every time I hear So What.’
‘Early on, we started simple,’ Reinheldt explained, shaking his head, ‘We just made her listen to Stupid Girl over and over again, and then asked her “What genre of music was that?”’ Pink was reportedly said to have responded by jumping in the air, screaming ‘Rock and roll, bitch!’ before falling into a violent air-guitar seizure. The staff then explained how they were forced to subdue and sedate her in these uncontrollable fits so that she didn’t cause harm to herself and others. ‘It was very traumatising for some of the younger staff, especially the ones who were actually in fledgling rock bands themselves’.
|Friends and relatives have worried about Pink's disillusions since early 2007|
Close and personal friend, Lisa Marie Presley has also voiced her disappointment at the inability to cure Pink’s crippling delusions. ‘I feel kind of responsible in a way,’ Presley said in an interview with David Letterman earlier this month, ‘Because I actually am kinda rock ‘n’ roll, and my dad was the fucking King, and I let Pink “help out” on my Now What album. I mean, she didn’t really do much, she can’t play guitar very well and the only lyrics she kept writing were just “Na na na” but by that stage I was feeling sorry for her and I gave her writing credits anyway. I guess I should’ve told her then and then that she was an untalented virulent lady-boy and maybe it wouldn’t have gotten so out of hand’.
|Lisa Marie Presley looking understandably uncomfortable about|
her collaboration with the useless, irritating pop tart.
Pink’s management yesterday released a statement saying that she would be placed in a suitable, protected facility that could accommodate her needs and that her new album would still be out on schedule in 2012.